If there's one thing I can't stand in this game, it's when things happen. I used to spend long, ruminative hours hanging out in the Stormwind Park. Then, Deathwing blew it up. Now I have to go to Moonglade to RP skinny-dipping in a moonwell with my creepy World of Warcraft e-girlfriend who won't chat on Ventrilo. This has been a major inconvenience for me.
I just heard that Theramore will be destroyed in Mists of Pandaria. If I had been consulted on this decision, I never would have allowed it, and I am enraged that such a thing is happening. Theramore is the scenic gateway to southern Kalimdor, and I love it dearly. I will not tolerate the toppling of one single stone of that sacred fortress. I have too many fond memories of the times I spent repeatedly failing the triage bandage quest, and my RP romance with Jaina.
If there is one ironclad law of Warcraft lore it is that nothing bad can ever happen when my character is around. And my character is ALWAYS around because I play World of Warcraft 16 hours a day. It's just not believable from the lore or from Garrosh Hellscream's established character that he'd ever risk invoking my rage. Garrosh may have a hot temper and a tiny head, but he's not stupid or suicidal.
My lore credentials are extensive. I rampaged through Icecrown Citadel at level 85, and I have been the hero of the Dragon Soul twelve times on Raid Finder difficulty. Also, I almost beat Jin'Do once. When people want to use a generic internet-slang term for a huge amount of damage, they say someone did "over 9000." My meters can reach 12,000 damage per second during Heroism, which is much more than 9000. I am clearly quite formidable. Whenever I do Raid Finder, people are always shouting in raid chat about my damage, and then they try to vote-kick me because they'e so jealous.
Even Thrall has said repeatedly that he's awed my my incredible battle prowess, and would be frightened to face me in single combat. I can provide excerpts from my fan-fiction stories in which Thrall said these things. Thrall's well-established awe of me is also the reason he didn't challenge me to a duel that time he caught me /kissing Aggra. He was scared of me. He forgave her as well, since no mortal female can resist my masculine charms or the overpowering scent of my musk.
Also, I just saw the new datamined Jaina Proudmoore model. Apparently she's going to get tortured by the Horde, and now she has a huge tramp-stamp. I am outraged. This is the girl I was going to introduce to my parents to prove that my WoW time is productive. Unacceptable!
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I know what you're thinking: "Boy, dead people sure are dull, aren't they Mr. Crawford?"
Well, yes they are, Timmy. They just lay around all day, and they never do nothin', except maybe rot a little. But did you know that corpses sometimes have neat stuff in them, like epic loots and money and livers? I bet you didn't! So, do you still think dead people are dull? Nope? Didn't think so! Now that you know how amazing corpses are, you'll probably just want to run around ripping open every putrefying torso you can find to see if it's full of loose change or leather shoulderpads or something. But I've got some bad news: you're not allowed to loot all the corpses. Just some of them. You see, you may get excited when you see an Ogre carcass, because you know he probably has some great big kidneys. But if you go elbows-deep into that fetid mass of rank, maggot-ridden subcutaneous fat and fish out all the goodies, there won't be anything left for the next adventurer. That doesn't seem very fair, does it? That's why we've got loot rules! You see, loot rules help us decide who gets to go rummaging around in a dead person's pockets or chest cavity. After we murder somebody with our friends, we have to roll some dice to see who gets to stuff his backpack full of fresh entrails. If we didn't have that, we'd barely have a society. People would just take whatever's lying around in corpses, dogs and cats would live together. It would just be a mess. It's polite to give the contents of corpses to the people who most need them. It might be nice to have a pretty eyeball or a spine, but do you really need it? Somebody might! Don't be selfish. There will be plenty of people to murder later on! And don't go rooting around in corpses that other people murdered. That's just rude. Go murder your own victim, if you want to loot a corpse. Remember, if you break the loot rules, you're a ninja looter. Nobody believes you have a tanking offspec, and nobody likes a ninja looter. So murder politely, and treat other murderers with respect, and there will be plenty of corpses for everyone to tear apart! Isn't that swell? |