An Evening on the Timeless Isle

The following travelogue comes to us courtesy of officer and gentleman, Major Payne, who is—according to the bio he sent us—one of Azeroth’s noblest and most beloved icons of honor and humility. Enjoy.

It’s dawn and something just doesn’t feel right. It’s almost as if the axis of Azeroth wobbled a bit overnight, and this time it had nothing to do with me smackin’ Oondasta upside the head. I have an uneasy feeling, and if you know me, I won’t stop until I’ve figured out what the problem is, found a way to resolve it, and made sure someone went home crying. You like my style, don’t you?

Well, whaddya know? I’ve just entered the Vale of Eternal Blossoms and can feel my journal rustling about inside my satchel. It appears a mysterious person has magically scribbled a note titled “A Flash of Bronze” and that I’m to seek out my old friend Chromie. As much as I like to flirt with cute little gnomes who can gnaw my face off, I opt to avoid long conversation and put these uneasy feelings to rest. She hands me a Curious Bronze Timepiece which I quizzically ponder for a moment: I guess there’s no harm in me using its powers to see what happens. I’ll just hold it in one hand and wave the other over the top, and . . . *FWOOSH*

Now see, according to my Gnomish Army Knife’s compass and my calculations of the stars that have suddenly appeared above, I’m southeast of the Jade Forest on what I’m being told is Tushui Landing on the Timeless Isle. Hmmm, this wasn’t here yesterday when I swam by doing my daily laps around Pandaria. Methinks a challenge is afoot! And it goes without saying—but I’ll say it anyway—my existence and the glory of my presence must be felt by every living creature on this planet. So off I go!

I’m not on the Isle for two seconds before I notice an Ancient Spineclaw giving me the crook-eye. To arms, you clot! I engage in battle with the angry crustacean, who actually scratches my precious armor with its Claw Flurry. Unacceptable! Following a mighty swing of my hammer, it lets out a screech and keels over. Much to my surprise and delight, however, it’s carrying a new kind of currency I’ve never seen before: Timeless Coins! And as if that wasn’t sweet enough, it’s even coughed up a Lesser Charm of Good Fortune. Cha-ching!

No time to admire things that aren’t quite as impressive as I am: With gusto, I head off deeper into the forest away from the Timeless Shore in search of more challenging adventures. Felling limbless reptiles, rabid cranes, and really angry yaks, I discover the Celestial Court. It’s surrounded by denizens of Pandaria, vendors, hozen, and—oh look—there’s Chen and Li Li Stormstout! And there’s the infamous Fo Sho Knucklebump, and the Monkey King, Old Hillpaw, and wow, even Ling of the Six Pools! She’s a legend around Icecrown for her love of cheese.

That’s when I happen upon Master Li. He offers me the opportunity to face some of my fellow champions in an epic Pet Battles tournament, and I happily accept. Wrathion, Blingtron 4000, Shademaster Kiryn . . . all of them fall to my remarkable team. Can you feel it?!

Up next are the children of the Celestials, which—if I may say so myself—are quite impressive. Sadly, not as impressive as me! Down they go, one by one, and I’m rewarded with a few Celestial Coins. Turns out, Master Li also holds these same children as pets I’m able to adopt, and since I showed them who’s boss in the arena, I choose Yu’la, Broodling of Yu’lon. Come on, who wouldn’t want a dragon to follow them around?!

Directly west of my position I can smell hops and barley, but it really isn’t all that pleasant. In fact, it’s rather more like Eau de Highlands Skunk. I turn and head into Old Pi’jiu where I find several Skunky Brew Alementals. Skunky . . .  who’d a thunk it? Smashin’ and dashin’, I lay waste to these stinky beings only to fill up a giant cask summoning Zhu-Gon the Sour, an even bigger stinky being. Heh, not a problem. KAPOW! SMASH! BOOM! Down it goes, and in the stain it leaves on the grass? My very own Skunky Alemental pet! I may mix up my team now . . . stop it, Grizzle, I’m kidding!

Whew, this adventuring is almost making me tired. I said almost! And that’s when I hear it. Bleating. Pathetic, miserable noises that can only be categorized as bleating because really, aren’t yaungol just a bunch of sheep? Especially the ones around the Firewalker Ruins. Just as I’m about to smite a whole village of these flea-bitten mongrels, I notice a really big chest tucked behind the wall. STOMP! With the yaungol all stunned, I quickly open the chest and go back to finishing each of them off. When the fracas is all said and done, I realize I’ve collected some sort of epic loot! It’s just an item, but the inscription tells me I can create a piece of armor if I were to channel its power. New kicks for Payne!

Seriously, the amount of land to cover and creatures to lay waste to is far too immense to even explain. I won’t even begin to tell you about Ordos and why flaming bits of him are stuck to my shield. Let’s just say I’ve made this island my—ouch! One of the yaungol’s fleas bit me and now I have an itch. Anyway, my tales tend to cause minds to melt very quickly, so I’ll leave you with this: Whispershade Hollow, Red Stone Run, the Blazing Way, the Cavern of Lost Spirits, a mysterious floating skull, and a ghostly world riddled with chests. There are countless events, encounters, smelly animals, and delicious noms for you to enjoy. SO GET MOVIN’!!